BATHROOM: Beach Club Lobby

Whether you’re checking into the Beach Club, passing through on your way to Epcot, or mistakenly thought you were in the Yacht (god this is a tough work to spell) Club, you may be looking for a place to drop anchor. If you can, just keep on sailing, as this is a Certified Don’t Poo It!

Ambiance 3/10
I’ll admit that maybe I’m not the target audience for this bathroom. Never have I been an entitled, rich, New England seaman, but I do still have basic human senses and a refined taste for bathrooms. The Beach club costs around 1/2 a mortgage a night to stay at, so I think it’s fair to hold it to a higher standard. If the theme they were going for was mid-90s Connecticut Yuppie, I would say this is a home run., but I personally felt very out of place and uncomfortable in this scene. Isn’t Disney supposed to be a place where all are welcome, and not just dads in boat shoes?

Decor 2/10
Before you send me hate mail telling me that the abandoned phone booth room outside the bathroom doesn’t count as part of the bathroom itself, I’m going to tell you you’re dead wrong. Of course it matters. It matters so much. I was so hyper-focused on this the entire time I was docked on the loo that it had a significant impact on my ability to go. Have they just forgotten about this room? Have they no better ideas? Here’s a few: lounge area, mini arcade, speakeasy, another bathroom, vending machines, DVC kiosk. I’m obviously just spitballing but come on. It’s just frustrating not only having to see it but to have to explain to my child what used to be there. It’s basically just a museum of marble (is that marble?) now. We get it, you have money. The inside isn’t a whole lot better, where gaudy gold trim and soulless marble (?) awaits you.

Facilities 2/10
Imagine having inherited all the money in the world but still not having automatic sinks. I really can’t stand this bathroom and I don’t think I truly realized it until I started writing my thoughts down. Have you ever wanted to answer the call of nature in a marble(?) dungeon? Well now is your chance to admire some metamorphic rock all around you. I’m sure you weren’t expecting any, but thank for not supplying branded hand towels either, you cheapskates.

Privacy 3/10
It’s possible I’m being harsh, but this restroom is tiny and I’ve heard and smelled things here that you can’t take back. A 3 person capacity facility is not acceptable for the lobby of a 576 guest room hotel. That’s before I even factor in the bathroom-hopping locals. I hate this place and I hope it sinks.

OVERALL: 2.5